With all the recent hullabaloo surrounding Bigfoot, I thought I would let everyone know what the real story is.
A Sasquatch is very large, harry and elusive. To remain hidden for so long you must be very very clever. It would take skills and possibly technology that are far beyond what we can come up with. One could even say that these skills could have been learned long ago, in a galaxy far away. That’s right, the Sasquatch race are descendants of Wookiees.
Think about it, any creature that can fix a hyperdrive can certainly avoid white trash with cameras. My guess is that they got tired of all the stupid fighting in their own galaxy and decided to plant themselves here on Earth. The only struggle they now have is avoiding crews from the Discovery Channel when they come by to shoot an hour long show about not seeing Bigfoot. I would bet that if someone finally did get too close to Bigfoot they would find a Wookiee Crossbow pointed right at them.
You may think, “Why don’t they want to be found?” I’ve got three words for you. George Lucas. If he finds any Wookiees living here on Earth, imagine the atrocities he could unleash on mankind. He already destroyed my childhood with a fourth Indiana Jones Movie and of course Episode 1,2 and 3. If he finds real Wookiees he could do all kinds of sick, sadistic things. I bet he wants to branch out and ruin other great trilogies. He could make the Wookiees assist Marty McFly on an adventure through time that could take them back a long time ago, in that galaxy far away. “Who cares about 88 miles per hour Doc? We got light speed.” With all these horrendous things staring us in the face, I think it is best to leave Bigfoot alone.
This is usually an older man who may seem out of place, wearing his Black Sabbath shirt to a Britney Spears concert. He just wants to see a concert and rock out, which is pretty much the goal of all Hazards. He doesn’t move as much as some of the other kinds of Hazards, but he never stops. Head banging is pretty common from these guys and he will just keep going, many times when the music has stopped.
This is one of the most common types in todays world. They may even be found in herds sometimes. The name gives it away as they are the trendy girls who feel the same call as the classic Hazards, to go to a noisy place and move. Most times they will only be at the show because one of their friends, liked a song, that they heard on the radio once, that was done by the band. These girls will most often be found holding their arms over their heads for long periods of time, sometimes throwing in swimming motions. You must be careful near these girls, as they have long nails and can easily draw blood if you happen to pass by during the backstroke.
“Oh this song gets me every time.” I am all for having an emotional and/or spiritual connection with music, but do your crying at home. These hazards feel so strongly about the song and the time it kept them from sending their dog to the shelter or throwing away their favorite shirt that they have decided to come leak bodily fluids all over other concert-goers. You may think that someone has been injured at first, but this is just an emotional powder keg that was ignited by the poignant lyrics of Clay Aiken. You don’t need to worry about these too much because they are generally at concerts for ex-American Idol stars. But every now and then they venture out into the world of real music.
Next, if you wanted to avoid second-hand smoke and other carcinogens, you can thank these upstanding citizens for making sure you experience a wide range of pleasant odors throughout the night. These are the sweatiest and most wild of all the Hazards and many of them love to take off their shirts. This insures that, if they had a cold or the flu, their sweat will carry that disease over to you. Don’t try to avoid it, their sweat will be in contact with you several times before the night is over. These guys are mostly at metal shows but, like the Snotty Hazards (only more often), try to branch out.